Thursday, January 26, 2012

A Letter to George Carlin

Dear Mr. Carlin:

Or may I call you George? I know you are up there.  I figure by now, you and my Dad are yucking it up with a few cigarettes. His were always Marlboros or Lucky Strikes. Yours, perhaps a more natural kind. Say hello to my brother too.  And don’t let him bogart anything.

 I remember you were quite the wordsmith. I am just learning. Just when I got used to a “soul patch”, they snuck in “freestyle cypher” this week. Those damn kids. Now I am committed to learning the new modern language sir and just thought I would let you in on it. Please pass the message on.

Yep.  I’m cool with a freestyle cypher and the soul patch.  But once they got me in that freestyle cypher it turned into a freestyle battle and boy did I get tupac-ed.

I have learned the subtleties of twitter, live tweets,  twitpics,  twirts, tweeting-up, twitterjacking and the fine points of twittiquette although I am still a bit fuzzy on the twooks.                                                                                  

I have been photobombed leading to my own headdesking.  It especially hurt after I threaded my unibrow. There was a two for one special on that and a French , Brazilian or American wax.  Who knew pubic hair had gone global? But I relaxed with a half decaf, no soy  sugar-free half mocha tri-Venti latte without cream with a sprinkle of cinnamon. Now only my head shakes.

Just when I got 3G ringtones to work sure enough 4S arrived.  I have been 4Ded in a 3D film that I saw already in 2D in Y2K.

Thank goodness  manga never descended on my house the same way the real avian influenza might have. We would have all been planked.

Have tried down-ageing and a cool-over after a hairspiration since I want to be quintastic, but can’t stomach the idea of vampire filler or a fish pedicure. Don’t be fat-talking me!  And please no batty-riders. And the jorts just look ridiculous. Did you know I have seen both flesh tunnels and tramp stamps unfortunately on the same person? They tell me they will be called gramp stamps soon. You may be seeing them. And have you tried the new man bun? 

Politically, I wonder if the birthers have met the deathers but  I suspect they are one and the same.  It’s a whole circle of life in one misguided tea party thought down here.

I am not sure if all the fracking  is done by the thermoskeptic but I suspect it is.

I have been accused of vaguebooking and sofalising but at the same time can simultaneously LOL, FOFL, LMAO,  and ultimately I ‘m in constant FOMO.  But if I LOL and LMAO I won’t have to zumba all the time.   I have instead turned into quite the mousepotato and I hate loungefitness. 

I can’t man-up at the same time as boogie down. Tell everybody, I guess, I am on the level.

Thanks George.  Say hello to Mom too. 

Write on.


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